Thursday, 21 April 2016

To Nobody

Some men write letters to their unborn child
An expression of love in a world gone wild
If my life were to end before yours begins
I want to share my love and make amends

But my letter is not addressed to an unborn baby
But to an unfulfilled desire that someday, just maybe
A new life could have been created if I had been a real man
I’d have loved you and nurtured you and been your number one fan

I’d comfort and care for you and make everything alright
I’d even chase monsters from under your bed each night
I’d have found you the best Mummy in all of Australia
If I wasn’t less of a man and a worthless failure

I can see it in my mind like it was really true
Mummy and I at the hospital, and I’m holding you
Wise men had told me that life held no greater prize
Then the first time I’d hold you and look into your eyes

But society is sick, judgmental and flawed
If you are born different, you’re simply ignored
You don’t measure up; you’re not a real man but just a joke
So kick away the chair and go hang from your rope

I didn’t have endless dreams, just a few
To be husband to Mummy and Daddy to you
I was asking for something I should never have expected
I should have known all my dreams would just be rejected

So I’ll leave this life the same way I started
Still less of a man, just more broken hearted
Less than all others, not worthy, just broken
Which way to the exit, to cash out my tokens

All I wanted was to be happy with Mummy and you.
The only dreams I had, just those two
The only things I wanted but could never be had
To be a husband to your Mummy and be a little baby’s dad.

You were never conceived, never existed, that is true
But there has long been a place here with much love for you
No matter how badly I wished and wanted or how it made me sad.
Some men never get the chance to be a little baby’s dad
You will never be but I will always love you

Mike Rowedick 2015

Tuesday, 29 March 2016

People always quick to have a dig.

After I posted a question on the facebook page of Coles asking about Halal certification a few people criticized me for wanting to be readily informed so I can choose to buy Halal or not. When they have no intelligent response they always go for the insult. She obviously saw my Facebook page and maybe this blog so I got the usual sly insult about my size.

Most people usually send me a private message on FB when they want to insult me but I guess some people don't care who sees their comments and will post it publicly.

Rhian Evans
Rhian Evans Wow. I just feel so, so sorry for people like you frown emoticon

Toodles little buddy. Good luck in life.
Like · Reply · 1 · 1 hr
Mike Rowedick
Mike Rowedick You have no response because everything I said is correct, and i certainly don't feel sorry for you I actually feel sorry for all the women living under Sharia Law. Nice to see you threw in a "little buddy" insult, you obviously saw my FB page and saw I was an Intersex person who was born with micropenis. I guess I see what type of person you are. Have a nice day.

Another woman saw my comment about this previous comment, so she made a point of highlighting the fact that she "wasn't" referring to me being Intersex with a micropenis when she referred to "SMALL" minded. 

So basically, as an insult, she proudly boasts her intention to "NOT" insult me by deliberately making a point of highlighting the fact that she didn't mean to refer to my Intersex status and micropenis with her reference of "SMALL".

Leonie Scowen
Leonie Scowen Nah, that's not it. The majority of us just can't tolerate small minds. (Note I said and meant mind). As for 3-layer cake making; kudos to those people who make them! Cakes are not my jam.
Like · Reply · 2 · 3 hrs

  I have had this type of thing my entire life from every woman who knows about me being Intersex with a micro penis. Women all find it to be hilarious to make subtle digs or make a point of highlighting the fact they they didn't mean to infer something about size. I am yet to meet a single woman who does not do it when they don't know me. Strangely every woman who has known me in real life or who reads my blog have always told me they would never do such a thing. That is until I'm not around and its behind my back, then the truth comes out.

This is the reason why I am currently refusing surgery for cholecystitis. I have had 2 previous cystoscopies where the entire staff in the operating theatre were all laughing and joking about me having a micro penis while I was unconscious. The anesthetist tried to get me to promise I would wear earphones and have music playing during my second cystoscopy so I couldn't hear what they were saying about me. I was told I was a huge risk of death if I had a general anesthetic and would be having a spinal block for my second cystoscopy. I refused to wear earphones and told the anesthesiologist that I'd prefer to hear what was happening. She told me that this was exactly what she didn't want me to hear because there were many people present during my procedure and I had to realise that they are only human and they would likely say things about me that I would not want to hear. 

I refused to wear the ear phones and told them I wanted to hear what was being said. They went against what they had planned and had me sign approval for and gave me a full general anesthetic when they had told me I was a huge risk of death if I had one. They were so worried that some of the people present would do the same as the first time and burst out laughing and humiliate me during the procedure so they preferred to put me at risk of death rather than risk me hearing them laughing at my micro penis and possibly take legal action. Not that I would as from my life experience I'd expect to be laughed out of court.

I don't have a problem with this happening as it has happened with every woman who has ever seen me naked but I have been a bit unstable lately and I am worried for their safety if it did happen during my cholecystitis surgery. I have been assured there is no reason for me to be catheterized but because I am such a huge risk during a general anesthetic, they said it was a big probability of something going wrong and was a high probability that I may wake up catheterized in Intensive care or the high dependency unit, so I have refused the surgery until I feel I am more stable and would not react to the humiliation. I would not be surprised if the story below happened to me without my knowledge.

Upstate New York nurse convicted of taking picture of patient’s penis

FULTON, N.Y. — A nurse who was convicted of taking photos of an unconscious patient’s penis with her iPhone last year has surrendered her nursing license, according to the New York State Education Department.

WRGB reports that Kristen Johnson pleaded guilty to misdemeanor disseminating of unlawful surveillance photo. Johnson was forced to give up her license as part of the plea deal.
Johnson, 27, of Fulton, “did not contest the charge of moral unfitness in the practice,” WRGB reported.

Johnson was arrested in May 2015 after authorities say she took photos of the patients at Upstate University Hospital and then sent them to her co-workers. reports that Johnson also used her iPhone to take a video of another nurse cleaning an incapacitated female patient’s gastrointestinal blood clot.

Johnson originally faced a felony charge, but the charge was later reduced. Johnson is required to spend three years on probation.

Wednesday, 9 March 2016

Photograping and videoing people in public.

I am trying to get my head around this recent news story in Australia. (watch video below) I know this guy was drunk and obviously he should never have attacked this woman but I am now unclear where people stand with privacy and being photographed. Surely all people traveling on public transport have no expectation of privacy and videoing someone or taking their photograph is totally legal. Grabbing someones phone and attempting to delete something must surely be an offense.

Obviously the interpretation of the law would depend on who you are. I've been told that if I am in a public place then I should have no expectation of privacy. So when I visit a nude beach and I find numerous groups of people who are not nudists and they all stare at me making jokes and laughing whilst videoing me and taking photographs of me, I can do nothing about it.

This happens all the time because I have a micro penis which people find hilarious and can't help but to video and photograph me. So if I were to react as this woman did and grabbed some woman's phone who was videoing me and I was attacked by her and her friends, then they would be charged and go to jail. I really don't think so, I'd be told that I have no right to expect privacy and anyone can freely video and photograph me all they like and if I grabbed their phone, then I am positive I would be charged. That's how society works. If you are a freak that all of society laughs at and degrades then you should just accept it. I have no doubt that if I was just traveling on a train and some woman took my photo and I grabbed her phone and attempted to delete the photo I'd be arrested. Obviously I am not condoning what this guy did, just noticing that most members of the public seem to think you can not be photographed without your consent. That is far from the case. Anyone can take your photo or video you when you are in any public place, even in your own yard.

Wednesday, 24 February 2016

Psychologists, medication, surgery & suicide

I am totally done with seeing any more Psychologists. I have finally realised that nobody can comprehend what type of life I have lived and their ideas of what I should do and what would improve my quality of life are simply based on their life experiences and what they feel would be needed to make life worth living. 

Everything my Psych suggested would have made me feel much worse but she couldn’t see it. She has a partner and children. She has never been single as an adult. She has no idea what it is like being the third wheel. She has no idea what 30 years of being humiliated and degraded feels like. She thinks I can just change the person I have become and see things the way she sees them. She thinks I should still want a relationship like normal men do. She has absolutely no idea what I go through each day. 

I have tried Hypnosis but I was not able to be put under. I spent 15 years on medications with nothing working for me.

Some of the medications that I remember being prescribed during those 15 years are as follows:

Aldactone (spironolactone)
Alprazolam (xanax)
Anafranil (clomipramine)
Androcur (cyproterone acetate)
Antabuse (disulfiram)
Aurorix (Moclobemide)
Avanza (mirtazapine)
Bromide (potassium bromide)
Celexa (citalopram)
Cymbalta (duloxetine)
Deptran or Sinequin (Doxepin)
Diabex (metformin)
Edronax (reboxetine)
Effexor (venlafaxine)
Endep or Elavil (amitriptyline)
Largactyl (chlorpromazine)
Lexapro (escitalopram oxalate)
Lithium (lithium carbonate)
Lumin (mianserin hydrochloride)
Luvox (fluvoxamine)
Lyrica (Pregabalin)
Mellaril (thioridazine)
Neulactil (pericyazine)
Normison (temazepam)
Paxil or Aropax (paroxetine)
Prothiaden  (dothiepin)
Prozac (fluoxetine)
Reandron (testosterone undecanoate)
Ritalin (methylphenidate)
Rivotril (clonazepam)
Rohypnol ( Flunitrazepam)
Seroquel (quetiapine)
Surmontil (trimipramine maleate)
Tofranil (imipramine)
Tegretol (carbamazepine)
Testogel (testosterone)
Tryptanol (amitriptyline)
Valium (diazepam)
Zoloft (sertraline)
Some were antidepressant, some anti-anxiety, some anti-psychotic, some were to lower my sexual urges, some were for ADHD, some were for my addiction to alcohol and some were used to supplement my low hormone levels.
I have now started taking Endep (amitriptyline) once again but not for its antidepressant effects but for its known effect of helping with chronic pain. This is supposed to help with my pain levels as my Doctor continues to slowly wean me off morphine. 
I have not posted in a while as I have not been motivated at all. My depression hasn’t been as bad lately so I have had a much clearer head to consider my suicide method if I choose to go that way. I don’t think I will go with the CPAP mask and helium tank method. I'm still considering suicide and will likely go that way especially when most medical conditions that I might be facing will involve too much humiliation if I had to have medical treatment.

I have just been referred to a surgeon because I have cholecystitis and need surgery but I have already asked my Doctor if this surgery would require catheterisation as I am not prepared to go through any further humiliation with Doctors and nurses laughing at me. He assured me that I would not need to be catheterised for this surgery so I will attend the appointment with the surgeon and double check with him. If I was facing more humiliation from Doctors and nurses, then I'd refuse the surgery and just tolerate the pain for as long as I could then go with whatever suicide method I have chosen. I am an extreme risk for a general anesthetic so I might get lucky and die during surgery.

Friday, 5 February 2016

Judgmental Asshole

 I have been writing posts but I have been unwilling to post them because I don't want to draw any unwanted attention to myself. I have written a few posts but then deleted the contents because I have found myself so focused on revenge and some things I wrote went a bit too far. By too far, I mean in relation to what I was planning to do as part of my revenge/suicide. I don't know why I am all of a sudden so focused on revenge. I know I have been more focused on thinking about certain circumstances that caused an extreme negative effect on my mental health and life in general. Everything that has destroyed my life is a direct result of how I have been ridiculed, humiliated and degraded by people. It has got to the point that I have lost so much respect for humans that If I had to choose between saving a sparrow or a human, I would not think twice to save the life of the sparrow.

I shouldn't be thinking like this but I have found that 12 months seeing a Psychologist has actually made we worse. With a lifetime of being judged by humans and so many women humiliating and degrading me, I have developed some psychological problems as anyone would expect. I try to never be like those who have laughed at me and degraded me and I always pull myself up if I ever start to judge anyone.

When seeing my Psychologist I had to tell my life story about how women have judged me because I have a micropenis. I have been with over 3000 prostitutes in my life and many more thousands of women have seen me online and I was instantly judged on every occasion. I fail to see how any person would not be effected by experiencing this but just by me telling the details of my life experiences to my Psychologist has caused more judgement.

If you do something 3000 times and get the same painful result every time, you learn a lesson. When my Psychologist decided that the best solution to help me with my depression was to go out more and socialize and try to ask a woman out on a date, I was obviously hesitant. Why on earth would I want to ask a woman out on a date when I have never before been on a date and every woman who has ever seen me naked has reacted in a negative way. My Psychologist assured me that women would never laugh at my micropenis and I just needed to find the right woman. In my mind I am thinking, OK I have stuck my finger in a power socket 3000 times and every time I received an electric shock but you say if I do it again I wont be shocked. I would be a fool to stick my finger in the socket again thinking that those previous 3000 shocks were not what normally happens and I was just very unlucky.

By me refusing to try and meet a woman and ask her out on a date because I have no interest in experiencing the same humiliation and degradation again is me being judgmental of women according to my Psychologist. So I am just a judgmental asshole and I need to accept that those 3000 women were not predictive of what "normal" women would do. I really don't know why so many people think that prostitutes are not normal women. Even when I have told my Psychologist that thousands of women online have burst out laughing and suggested that I kill myself, she insisted that women on the internet are not "normal" women.

Tuesday, 22 December 2015

I'm Sorry

I had my last Psychologist appointment yesterday. There is no point continuing with any further treatment. Psychologists seem to expect that even though you have lived a life basically opposite to most people, that you should still somehow see things the same and act the same and want the same as those who lived a completely normal life. I have been humiliated and degraded by every woman who has ever seen me naked. These women have mostly been prostitutes along with a large number of women in masturbation chat rooms. Their reactions have been a first instinctive reaction from seeing my micro penis. The prostitute would walk in the room and immediately see my micro penis and without ever speaking 2 words to me, I would get an instant reaction.

Most commonly they would burst out laughing and then begin to comment about how small I was. Sometimes they would just be disgusted and repulsed and would avoid touching me. I have never met a single woman who didn’t have an initial negative reaction. They didn’t know me, had never spoken to me and were simply making judgment of my genitals with no consideration to me as a person or what I was like. Often at the end of our time together many women would apologize for laughing at me but would go on to ask how I had not killed myself by now as they thought that if they were in my shoes then they would kill themselves.

It was always made clear to me that size was extremely important and any woman that told me otherwise just pitied me and wanted to save my feelings. Many women were genuinely horrified for their fellow sisters, asking me if I would actually pick up women in pubs and go home with them and then expect them to touch that disgusting little thing. They were looking out for their sisters, making it clear to me that it was my responsibility to save women from having to tolerate something that really disgusted them. It was regularly drummed into my head that this would be a very inconsiderate thing to do to any woman. The most common thing I heard from women was that I should be ashamed of myself. My penis was tiny and I should be ashamed of it. I should never put any woman in the position where she is forced to tolerate my disgusting genitals simply because she made the mistake of developing feelings for me before she found out about my inadequacies.

"Women are too nice to men," I was often told, "we will put up with a tiny penis just to save your feelings and it will be us that have to suffer never being satisfied by your pin dicks." "Women are too nice just so we don't hurt men's feelings about their pathetic little dicks", I would be told. "If any woman ever says that size don't matter to her then she has a tiny dick boyfriend or husband at home that she does not want to offend or she stupidly thinks all penises are between 6 and 8 inches and she has seen no different " they would tell me.  This one made a lot of sense to me because so many women who saw me on web cam didn't believe my penis was real, they thought it was fake and would ask me to masturbate to prove it was real as they have never seen anything anywhere near that tiny.

"You tiny dick losers should have the common sense to realise your cocks are too tiny and are useless. You should never put any woman in a position where she has to lie about what she really prefers just to save your feelings, Does size matter? Of course it fucking matters if you have a pin dick like yours that no woman could ever feel." You should be ashamed of your pathetic little cock and never expect any woman to have to touch it. I have heard the same things over and over by thousands of women. It is not like 20 women out of thousands were disgusted and repulsed by the appearance of my genitals. Every single woman's first impression was negative. Why would every woman fake that. They didn't know me and had no grudge against me and many would end up friends with me. It is nothing to do with the women. My micro penis is abnormal and all women find it repulsive and disgusting, simple as that. Now with 30 years of the same reactions, how could I ever believe one woman who says it didn't bother her?

Maybe she was honest in that it didn't bother her so much because she knew me before seeing my genitals and she has toned down her reaction so that it didn't disgust her so much because it belonged to a guy she liked.

I really fail to see how anyone could not be affected by this happening. Yes, as my Psych pointed out, it was my fault, I went back continually even though I was being laughed at and humiliated. I accept that it is entirely my fault. I should have been able to control my basic need for sexual interaction with a female. I should have been able to ignore my need for some female companionship. I should have been able to feel like a normal man even though I was still a virgin at 21 and all my friends were getting married. I should have been able to suppress my need for human touch. I should have been able to foresee what years of humiliation would do to me and I should have been able to stop fulfilling my instinctual needs for companionship and touch and I should have considered what the long term consequences would be. I should have been a better person but I failed. I am sorry that I was not a better person.

So obviously after 30 years of this continually happening, it changed me as a person. This has been my life. I have never had a girlfriend. I have no friends. The only associations I had with females outside of my employment has been with these women who continually reinforced in my mind that I should be ashamed of my genitals and it was expected of me to protect women from ever having to experience what a micro penis was. It was continually reinforced in my mind that I was so disgusting that I should never expect any woman to ever touch me unless I was paying her. Nearly all my interactions with women over 30 years was confirming in my mind that I was not a real man and no woman should ever have to touch me unless being paid. I really should be ashamed of myself and I should just stay at home and masturbate myself because no woman ever wants to see my pathetic little micro penis.

But now I am sat here in front of a Psychologist telling her that I accept it is entirely my fault and I accept that no woman would ever want me but I continually hang onto false hope that things will magically get better and this false hope is depressing me. All I ask for is help to give up this false hope and to learn to accept that this is the life I have been dealt and I need to accept that it will never magically get better. Nothing can make my penis grow. Nothing can fix my hormone problems. Nothing can undo the 30 years of psychological damage.

It would be negligent of me to help you give up hope, were her first words. So after 12 months of going around and around in circles with her attempting to tell me there are women who would never laugh at me and would accept me. Then me attempting to tell her that I have difficulty accepting this as I have 30 years of thousands of experiences that say otherwise and I feel if a woman was accepting of me it would only be pity and an adjusted opinion because she had feelings for me. If she didn’t have feelings for me and was just reacting to first seeing my genitals then I think she would react the same way that over 3000 women have already reacted to me.

It was really frustrating trying to put my feelings into words so I could get across how much I had been affected by past events. Knowing that all these women were disgusted and repulsed at the sight of my genitals  and having this happen on every occasion over 30 years changed me. If I had been in normal relationships and could have intercourse and 6 women had been disgusted and repulsed at my genitals then it wouldn't have affected me. I was having relationships and many women never commented and were not disgusted so I'd assume that I'd meet many more women who were not disgusted but it was not like that. Every woman did react in a negative way and I was made to feel responsible for how my genitals looked and what size my penis was. I was told repeatedly that I should be ashamed of my genitals. It has always been the one thing that every woman has focused on and it has caused it to be the one thing that I now focus on and desperately need acceptance of. Well maybe acceptance is the wrong word because I do not want any woman to have to simply accept me or tolerate my genitals.

I could never be with a woman in a relationship unless I was positive that I was not making her endure something that she would rather not. I would need to feel that she was genuinely sexually attracted to me and my genitals were arousing visually to her instead of being something she had to tolerate like all the prostitutes did. This is what no Psychologist can accept. they think even though I have lived through 30 years of humiliation, that I should still want a relationship just like normal men do. They think I should just be happy if any woman falls in love with me and accepts me as I am with all my faults. If I was a normal person who had not lived those 30 years than maybe I could be that person. After the life I have lived I am so far from being that person, I truly can never see myself ever wanting a relationship. Thousands of women have told me their true feelings and expressed how they thought I should be ashamed of myself. I accept this.

How could I accept anything but this? This is my life experience. I lived this and I was continually told by thousands of women that I was disgusting and no woman should ever have to tolerate me. I believed what I was told for 30 years and I believed what I have experienced for 30 years.

So after 12 months of seeing a Psychologist we ended the session with her becoming angry and frustrated and telling me that I come across as though I think all women are shallow.
Well, fuck me; I am truly sorry once again. Yet another example of where I have failed and this time, I have failed in expressing myself properly. I love women. Why else would I continually go back time after time when I was just being humiliated and laughed at. I actually have the opposite opinion of women. I know most women are not shallow and if some woman liked me, she would probably accept me with any faults that I have. I don't want this.

I have been with over 3000 women and not one of those women had anything about them or anything about their body that I felt the need to laugh at or be repulsed and disgusted by. Every woman's body was different but all beautiful and I didn't find fault with any of them. The fact that my body is so hideously deformed that each and every one of those women found the same fault and was quick to point it out to me and make it known that it would be a very insensitive thing to do if I ever tried to date or pickup any woman knowing that I could never satisfy her. With so many women all having the same opinion about my micro penis, I have long ago accepted what they told me as truth. I will never expect any woman to tolerate me simply to save my feelings.

I love and respect all women and I know that over 3000 women would not humiliate and ridicule a man just for the fun of it. Some women who have read my story become offended and seem to think I am attacking women and they try to defend women by telling me that women would never laugh at or judge a man by the size of his penis. They go on to blame me saying that it was my lack of confidence or bad attitude towards women that caused this reaction from women.  They told me that because I have a small penis that I likely have a chip on my shoulder and this would have given the women reason to humiliate me and degrade me. This happens because they have not read my story properly and they assume that I am talking about women I have dated. I have never been on a date and I refuse to date when I know that every woman who has no emotional connection to me either bursts out laughing or is disgusted. If I was dating a woman who had real feelings towards me then I know that most women would not laugh or be disgusted. These are not their true feelings about a micro penis, it is their adjusted feelings about a person whom they have an emotional connection to whom they want to save from being hurt and humiliated.

So in defending other women they are saying no woman would humiliate me about my tiny penis if I was a confident guy with a nice personality but if I was already ashamed and lacking confidence, this would be perceived as having a chip on my shoulder and would give the woman just cause to insult me about the size of my penis when in fact women don’t care about size and never judge a man based on his size. I seriously doubt that any women who would never judge a man by his penis size would also not use small penis insults on this man because she felt his small penis was causing him to have a chip on his shoulder. Besides none of the women had any interaction with me prior to seeing my micro penis and expressing their repulsion or disgust. It was an instant reaction to the sight of under developed genitals. I accept that this is in fact just normal human behavior which has been with humans throughout evolution.

The one evolutionary trait that ensured that only men who had desirable breeding characteristics were allowed to remain in the tribe was to immediately exclude any male that had undesirable physical characteristics such as a tiny penis. A large penis is associated with increased chances of pregnancy and is always associated with virility, masculinity, strength, endurance and strong male genetics which is what every woman throughout evolution has subconsciously sought out in her choice of breeding partner. I also accept that by laughing, teasing, humiliating and degrading a man is simply a way of letting him know that he is not a genetically suitable breeding partner so all of these behaviors have been a natural genetic evolutionary requirement and I accept that. I in no way blame any woman for doing what comes natural. I am the one with the problem and I take full responsibility for my deformity and I take full responsibility for going back time after time and causing my mental illnesses and sexual perversion.
If me detailing what happened during my life makes me appear as though I think all women are shallow then I am sincerely sorry. I accept it is all my fault. I accept that I should not have let 30 years of conditioning affect me. I should not have let 30 years of humiliation get to me, I should have just waked away when the first woman started laughing at me. I didn’t. I fucked up and I’m sorry.

Monday, 7 December 2015

Justifying Suicide

I have been seeing a new Psychologist since February this year but I knew I would not find any new revelations and I'd always be left asking the same question. Why bother fighting any longer?

My Psych thinks the most important thing I need to focus on is to minimize the damage that humiliation is doing to me. So she feels that I need to find alternate ways of sexual fulfillment, whereas now I am only aroused by humiliation and it has been this way for many years. I try every day to retrain myself but I always end up back at the humiliation as much as I hate it.

Trying to masturbate while watching porn does nothing for me. Watching some hung guy fucking an attractive looking woman does nothing for me because I can't even fantasize about it or try and imagine myself in this guys place. I have never successfully been able to have intercourse so to me that hung guy fucking a woman isn't really sex. I have never been able to penetrate so a woman's naked body and especially a woman's vagina has never been involved in me being able to reach orgasm. This is why I am unable to masturbate over watching a naked woman masturbate.

I could have Angelina Jolie laying in bed naked begging me to fuck her and it would do nothing for me. She would have to put her clothes on and then just laugh at me when I undressed. Every sexual experience with prostitutes would end in them complaining about me taking too long to cum and their arm being too tired to keep jacking me off and them telling me to jack myself off. They would sit there while I jacked myself off and they would comment about how small I was or how no woman would ever be happy with such a tiny dick. This has been my only form of sex for my entire life. This is sex to me.

I have been thinking about what my Psych wants me to do and I can not see any benefit to it. If I had developed a weird perversion in spite of being able to have a normal sex life then I can see the benefit of getting rid of the harmful perversion but this is not my situation. If I stop my humiliation perversion, I take away my only ability to orgasm. If I take away all humiliation, I would have to stop all contact with prostitutes. This would be fine if I had normal human relationships that provided human interaction and skin to skin contact but I have never been touched by anyone who was not being paid to touch me. I have previously had a breakdown caused by isolation from people and no human touch for 5 years. So by taking away the humiliation, I would also be taking away my only human interactions and the only human touch I ever experience.

I accept that the constant humiliation and degradation has destroyed my self esteem and confidence but I also think that my humiliation perversion happened as a protective response from my brain. Being constantly humiliated and put down by people around you will have a dramatic effect on anyone and my brain responded to this stress by turning it into a sexual arousal rather than letting the hatred of humiliation become a hatred of those inflicting the humiliation. I know some people have reacted to constant sexual humiliation in a different way and have become serial killers, murdering those whom laughed at them. Others have turned their affections to the only people who never laughed at them; children. Others have become misogynists, developing an extreme hatred of those whom inflicted the humiliation and degradation.

So really, I need to consider myself as very lucky and I need to accept that my basic human reaction to that stress happened for a reason. Considering the other ways my psyche could have gone, I think I need to accept that my humiliation perversion was a result of my brain managing stress and based on my own personal morals and the type of person I am, I developed the most suitable solution for me to enable me to cope with a situation that I had no control over.

This is the main thing I need to accept, that I have never asked to be humiliated or degraded. This is the normal reaction from women when they see my micro penis. Unless I want to become totally isolated with no human contact which caused a breakdown previously, then I need to accept that any sexual contact that I ever have is going to result in humiliation and degradation and there is nothing I can ever do about it. I have to accept that I can not change the way people think. I can not change the way society works. I need to accept that I am a cock-less freak and I will always be seen this way and my brain has given me a way to cope with the humiliation without going to the extremes of isolation and no human contact, so I need to embrace this humiliation perversion and just live with it. This is who I am and this is what women will always think of me. Nothing can ever change that. I knew all this  years ago.

Then why am I looking for help with my Psychologist? I think my Psychologist was right when she told me that I was just moving closer to suicide and trying to justify my decision in my own brain. I am preparing myself for suicide by convincing myself that I have tried everything to fix my problems. I have seen Psychiatrists for years. I have tried over 50 types of medications. I have seen a new Psychologist for another 12 months and there is nothing anyone can do to help me. I am just ticking all the boxes along my path to suicide.

Sunday, 29 November 2015

Helium Exit Bag

I've been looking at the Helium Hoods or Helium Exit Bags and there seems to be many failures due to too much gas escaping around the neck or too slow of a rate of gas infusion.

I have recently finished a 3 month trial of a CPAP machine because I have 100 episodes per hour sleep apnea. The cpap mask and tubing seems perfect to attach to a helium bottle. The mask has a one way valve that lets the pressurized air into the mask. I used a full face mask due to many a broken nose. When you inhale, the valve opens and lets the air/helium into the mask and your lungs. When you exhale the valve closes and your exhaled breath is pushed out through small vents in the mask so you would not be dependent on the bag filling with helium and maintaining a high level of helium.

With the mask you get all helium with every breath. Sounds like the perfect solution. From what I have read the human body can not tell the difference between oxygen and helium and you will feel like you are breathing as normal and will not feel like you are suffocating and begin to panic. Apparently you just lose consciousness and continue breathing the helium until you are dead and there is no danger to any other person in the house or to anyone whom might find your body. Any escaped helium simply dissipates into the air causing no risk to others.

I am currently waiting for a new machine to be supplied through a government access plan that makes the machines free for people with severe apnea. Severe is rated at 30 and over so at 100 I easily qualify. It is comforting to know that when my time comes all I have to do is purchase a bottle of pure helium (not the balloon helium) The type used in welding is over 99% pure but the balloon helium has been known to be as low as 85% which could cause failures. With my luck my suicide would fail and I'd just be left with a permanent squeaky voice.

This is the mask I use and costs about $200 but similar full face masks are available on ebay for $100.

Friday, 27 November 2015

My Reality or Others Assumptions

I don’t have any friends and I never seem to fit in anywhere. Possibly because I am so stunted when it comes to my emotional and maturity levels and basic life experiences.  All through school I was the outsider, the fat kid that the entire school would harass and torment. Fast forward to today and I am 49 years old but I am still that fat school kid with no friends. It is impossible to make new friends when you are like me. First things any person wants to know when you meet someone new is

  1. Are you married? No
  2. Oh, but you have a partner, what is her name? No, I don’t have a partner.
  3. Your kids must be grown up, how old are your kids? I don’t have any kids.
  4. Oh, you and your ex were never able to have children? I don’t have any ex-girlfriends.
  5. Ummmm……what?
  6. You’re almost 50, you must have had girlfriends before? No I haven’t.
  7. Oh, I get it. You’re gay, right? No, never had any boyfriends and not gay at all.
  8. You have never had a girlfriend in 50 years but you are not gay? That’s correct.
  9. Bullshit, you must have had a girlfriend before or you are just lying. I’m not lying.
  10. What is wrong with you?

So we get to this stage and I can go either way. If I am meeting someone in real life (not online) and they know my real name and may know relatives of mine or just people who I already know then I tend to stay away from telling the truth about why, and I just let them assume. If I meet people online using my alias then I am more likely to tell the truth about why I am single at 50 and never had any relationships. 

After 30 years of being rejected because of having a micro penis, I have become accustomed to people instantly hating me because of my genitals, so if this happens online, then I can just block, delete and avoid these people, cutting them out of my life. I can stop the humiliation and degrading insults anytime because they only know my online alias. If I were honest in real life then I have no way of stopping the humiliation or degrading insults, especially if the person knows a lot about me and where I live. It would likely escalate into a hate campaign like I have seen way too many times on TV. 

So in real life, often the assumptions they come up with are: I am secretly gay. I am a serial killer who hates women. I am a pedophile.

I usually hope that people will assume that I am simply gay and not prepared to admit it. I have no problem with people thinking this as I seriously do wish I was at least bisexual but unfortunately I am not. The serial killer and pedophile assumptions are not the best thing to have someone assume about you but I’m not sure what is worse, my reality or either of these assumptions. If I were a pedophile or a serial killer people would hate me and want to see me dead but at least they would see me as a human and as a man. My reality of having a micro penis and having had thousands of women laugh in my face and humiliate me when they saw my genitals is the ultimate insult to my masculinity, to me as a human. I am so pathetic that I am not even considered as a man, not a sexual being but just a thing. A nothing. 

Having people assume that I am a pedophile or a serial killer is at least letting me feel as though I am still recognized as a human and as a man, even if they hate me and wish I were dead. Men are brought up to believe that all their value in society is based on their masculinity, you need to be a real man or you are nothing. Letting people know the truth of having a micro penis instantly takes away all masculinity and any worth as a male. I have had so many women express their disgust and repulsion at the sight of my genitals with many women suggesting that I consider suicide. So really they still hate me and wish I was dead but they also consider me to not even be a man. So I guess that being thought of as a serial killer or pedophile but still as a man is better than being thought of as a cock-less nothing.